he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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