I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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