Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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