Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
