I need help removing her.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
