There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize