yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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