my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
