Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
