You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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