The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
