On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
