Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
