I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
