How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Is Oprah even human
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
