I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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