Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
