dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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