you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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