Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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