So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
