LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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