After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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