Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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