i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
