I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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