I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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