3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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