I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
