i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
