Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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