I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She told me I should be a condom model.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
