he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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