I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
