May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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