how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
