Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize