So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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