dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
