I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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