when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
