rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize