Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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