i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
no, he came in my armpit
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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