Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
