My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
