I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
