I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
