Im at strip club and am horny
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
