doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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