I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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