I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
