really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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