Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize