i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
