don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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