So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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