Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize