She announced her abortion via fbk
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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