I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
