He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
