The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
