My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
It's blow job season.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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