god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
