dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize