I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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