Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
