You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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