Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
