my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
